Nicole Haworth, RCC, CCC

I identify as a white, predominantly English, middle-class, queer cis-woman. I am grateful to live on the unceded territories of the xʷməθkʷəy̓əm (Musqueam), Sḵwx̱wú7mesh (Squamish), and Sel̓íl̓witulh (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations. I have come a long way to be here. For over two decades, I struggled with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and suicidality. I was chronically stressed and lived in fear. I had no understanding of what was happening for me, and the standard explanation was that my brain chemistry was off and that there was just something wrong with me. I was the problem. Bursting into tears in my doctor’s office as a teenager, I was handed an expired sample of antidepressants with no suggestion of therapy. Over time, I engaged in various healing modalities, which all provided some help. However, the big breakthrough came for me by drinking ayahuasca. I began to see and trust that I was not broken, but was instead engaging in survival strategies to attempt to adapt to or protest the unhealthy circumstances in which I found myself. As the popular Krishnamurti quote states, “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” As I began to accept and trust what was unfolding in my life and what it was meant to teach me, I was more able to let go of shame and self-criticism. I began to see with greater clarity what needed to change rather than deciding that I was the problem. Continuing on this path, I began to learn about somatic therapy and the wisdom of the body. I realized that I had not connected to or acknowledged my body’s sensations throughout my life. Once I started to listen to my nervous system’s communications, I developed an even deeper trust and honouring of my body’s expressions, sensations, and emotions.