The Cost of Not Listening: A Chaplain’s Reckoning with Divine Revelation

Suddhosi Buddhosi (partial lyrics) played at the combined Polaris/Rainfall Spiritual Care Psychedelic Training:

You are forever pure
You are forever true
And the dream of this world
Can never touch you
So, give up your attachments
And give up your confusions
And fly to the space
That’s beyond all illusion

I am a chaplain trained to attune to the sacred, to honor silence, and to listen for the subtle shimmer of Spirit in the ordinary and the profound. And yet, despite all that training, I turned away from a divine message that came through unmistakably clear. It has taken time, humility, and the slow unraveling of certainty to grasp the full cost of not listening.

This work is born from that reckoning.

It speaks to the vital, often understated importance of honoring and integrating the wisdom received in psychedelic journeys—and to the quiet, radiant power of daily gratitude that kept revealing itself to me as both guide and medicine, again and again, on my healing path.

The Sacred Whisper of My Lineage

My relationship with non-ordinary reality began long before I stepped into any ceremonial space. From a young age, I was able to sense and commune with a world that others didn’t speak of. It’s a gift woven through both sides of my lineage—a quietly inherited knowing. My mother nurtured this gift early on, encouraging my capacity to listen and trust the invisible currents.

Over the years, with practice and reverence, I became more attuned to this inner guidance. Yet there were times (too many) when I dismissed the whispers of my higher self, ignored the teachings of transpersonal mentors, and chose the loud certainty of ego over the quiet truth of Spirit. And when I did, life had a way of bringing me back—through challenge, through rupture, through humbling recalibration.

In recent years, I thought I had matured in my ability to trust and integrate divine communication. I had learned to release personal will and instead lean into the intelligence of Mystery. One of my guiding mantras, gifted by a dear friend, became: “The Universe is my most amazing lover and knows exactly what I want and need. I trust it to exquisitely provide for me.”

That mantra sustained me through many chapters. I cultivated a rhythm of surrender and flow, upheld by a daily gratitude practice and an evolving relationship with Source. And yet, at the start of 2025, everything was tested once more after an extraordinary training.

The Message I Ignored

I was blessed to attend a profound experiential training for spiritual care providers led by the Polaris and Rainfall teams. While the full scope of the experience is beyond the limits of this narrative, it was an undeniably sacred initiation—and an exquisitely clarifying one.

During my second psychedelic journey, I received a direct transmission:

“Maintain your connection to the Divine and do not allow yourself to be distracted by outside influences.”

There was no metaphor to decode, no ambiguity to wrestle with. The message was crystalline.

As someone who has practiced sonic induction for over two decades, I recognize this modality—and any psychedelic journey—as a sacred conduit for direct revelation. This potential is, I believe, why colonial forces seeking control once viewed such practices as subversive and dangerous. My ancestral Irish lineage carries this history; rituals like Imbas Forosnai (involving sensory deprivation, plant medicine, fasting, and invocation) were once powerful means for communing with the Otherworld.  Christian authorities eventually outlawed them because they could not tolerate a population capable of receiving direct divine guidance and revelation.

Knowing this lineage fuels my conviction: what arises in sacred space is revelation. It is to be honored, not discarded. So why, then, did I ignore the clearest message I had ever received?

The Distraction That Became a Descent

Weeks after returning home, I found myself overwhelmed by the collective unraveling. News headlines chronicled the dismantling of institutions to which I had devoted my anthropological career—DEI efforts, museums, universities, and the Arts. Cloaked in social justice language, I perceived the rise of censorship and ideological rigidity. My ego responded with urgency. I was pulled into the chaos, justifying my reactions under the guise of righteousness.

I remembered the message, and I knew I was being distracted. And yet I couldn’t, or wouldn’t stop.

Eventually, I abandoned my daily gratitude practice, one I had sustained for over two years. It had always been my anchor. I had begun the practice after reading compelling research that showed gratitude to have more of an impact than mindfulness in fostering emotional resilience and social connection. A meta-analysis by Cregg and Cheavens (2021) found that gratitude interventions significantly increased well-being, especially in reducing depressive symptoms and enhancing interpersonal bonds. Similarly, Bartlett and Arpin (2019) showed that gratitude journaling outperformed mindfulness in improving mood and relational satisfaction.

Gratitude, I had learned, directs attention outward. It binds us to life, to community, and to Source. But in my state of despair, I let it go.

And then my body broke.

The Body as Oracle

I became suddenly and acutely ill. Allergies I hadn’t struggled with in over a decade returned with force. My lungs constricted; asthma flared to dangerous levels. Pulmonary tests revealed my lung function had dropped to 60%. I was back on medications I hadn’t needed since 2013.

The clinical findings? A strong allergy to cats and MSG. Nothing new. Nothing dramatic, and nothing that over-the-counter medications and diet couldn’t control.  But even though I was taking those precautions, I still spiraled.

I also knew better.

My body was expressing what my soul could no longer hold. My immune system mirrored my spiritual depletion. In the absence of daily gratitude, hopelessness had crept in like a fog, dimming my vitality.

Science named the triggers, but my spirit understood the cause.

This reckoning was not a collapse as much as it was a calling back.

The Lessons That Remain

I once believed that ego death only occurred in the medicine space. I now know otherwise. In this collapse, I learned that the same spiritual laws apply whether we are in ceremony or in daily life. I learned that the peace I seek in the world must first take root within me; that I do not measure my contribution to the collective by my critique of darkness but by the light I’m willing to embody.

I saw how focusing on destruction fed a sense of powerlessness, which in turn eroded my freedom, self-worth, and capacity for love. Becoming reactive, I saw only what confirmed my despair.

Eventually, I came to a deeper truth: I am responsible for my experience.

Embracing Daily Gratitude and Trust

When I hold gratitude, I feel worthy. I experience harmony. My relationships improve. My world softens. Is this another kind of confirmation bias? Perhaps. But the meaning I assign to my life is my reality. And in remembering this, I found my way home.

Today, I once again live by the mantra:

“The Universe is my most amazing lover and knows exactly what I want and need. I trust it to exquisitely provide for me.”

Alongside this guiding belief, I’ve also woven in a regular daily gratitude practice—offering thanks not only for what has arrived but also for what is yet to come. This daily act of acknowledgment has deepened my trust, expanded my receptivity, and reminded me of the abundance already present in my life.

And I remember: to stay connected to the Divine is not to escape the world but to inhabit it more fully. It is to walk in alignment, undistracted by fear, attuned to grace, and rooted in the knowing that I am never separate from love, never truly lost, always being gently called back to the center—from which all healing flows.

References

Cregg, D. R., & Cheavens, J. S. (2021). Gratitude interventions: Effective self-help? A meta-analysis of the impact on symptoms of depression and anxiety. Journal of Happiness Studies: An Interdisciplinary Forum on Subjective Well-Being, 22(1), 413–445. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-020-00236-6

Bartlett, M. Y., & Arpin, S. N. (2019). Gratitude and Loneliness: Enhancing Health and Well-Being in Older Adults. Research on Aging, 41(8), 772-793. https://doi.org/10.1177/0164027519845354 (Original work published 2019)