Overcoming Codependency With Psilocybin Therapy

Recognizing Codependency

I vividly recall my first therapist, whose appearance resembled a joyless Santa Claus, exhibiting no discernible reaction to my depression. That, in itself, was confusing, but I persisted in tearful divulgence. I was in my twenties, and the concept of codependency—relying on others for validation and identity—seemed abstract to me.

“It’s as if my own brain, from within me, persistently asked: ‘Why do you rely on others for happiness?'”

— Natalie Goldberg, RN, PMHNP

My understanding of codependency stemmed from therapy and self-help literature like ‘Codependent No More,’ a recommendation from this initial therapy session. I struggled with the concept of sacrificing my own desires to seek my father’s approval, particularly concerning my financial decisions. Our discussions primarily revolved around “smarter” spending habits, alongside the notion that financial titles dictated one’s identity.

During my first therapy session, I was engulfed in despair from a recent breakup, harboring deep dissatisfaction with my career choice in photography, and disillusioned by my lack of success as a bustling magazine editor in NYC. 

The therapist introduced the topic of codependency. In my naivety, I couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t opt for immediate medication or more drastic measures. My family’s concerns had convinced me that my situation warranted such dire interventions.

Amidst enduring the abuse from my father, particularly as the youngest in the family, forming my own consensus seemed an insurmountable task during that period. It often takes a lifetime to untangle the intellectualization of dependence on others, even when one recognizes its fallacy. However, with the profound insights garnered through psilocybin therapy, I’ve finally had the chance to confront and process everything, laying it all out on the table.

Psilocybin’s Influence on My Identity

Over four years of introspection, guided by the bizarre metaphors visualized in psilocybin therapy, I’ve gradually untangled the intricate layers of my dependence on others. 

It’s as if my own brain, from within me, persistently asked: ‘Why do you rely on others for happiness?’ Now, two decades after my first therapy visit, I marvel at the stark contrast from dissecting my brain with an unemotional Santa. I’ve become my own best therapist.

While I don’t claim psilocybin is superior to traditional trauma therapy, my experience of it has been better. Psilocybin offered a perspective shift unlike any, sharply changing how I view relationships and breaking long-standing social patterns. This change seems to be enduring for years, as well.

While not condoning illegal use, sharing my experiences lets individuals explore plant medicine benefits safely from their screens, empowering new hopes to challenge old-and-tried concepts. The aim is for more stories to gather evidence for cohesive or alternative treatments. Resolving what lies under our dependencies is a huge start for reconnecting with our mental health autonomy.

Traditional Therapies for Codependency

PTSD treatment frequently involves Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). In this type of treatment, a patient talks for hours and receives practices and activities to challenge negative thought patterns and behaviors. Another approach, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), helps individuals manage distressing emotions and relationship conflicts. For instance, in DBT, patients may learn skills like mindfulness of nature and physical surroundings. This is to ground themselves during moments of distress.

In contrast, psychedelics offer a sharply focused approach, opening luggage filled with memory and in a brief timeframe. This rapid transformation is advantageous for individuals dealing with toxic codependency, directly facilitating changes in one’s personal environment.

Analyzing Early Attachment Styles

Early traumatic experiences, such as emotional neglect or growing up with a caregiver struggling with addictions, often instill a heightened sensitivity to the needs and emotions of others. This sensitivity is developed as a means to maintain an organized and harmonious environment rather than one marked by chaos, conflict, or accidents. Initially serving as a coping mechanism, this vigilant behavior can evolve into an attachment style. 

For instance, at a new job, they considered letting me go in the first week because they claimed I was attempting to complete everyone’s tasks for them, even though I was simply fulfilling the duties assigned to me. Each person in the clinic seemed to expect me to take on additional responsibilities yet did not expect me to complete them. I found this reasoning to be unfounded and indicative of how detrimental this behavior can become. 

I learned that my attachment style was the anxious-preoccupied attachment type. This style involves compromising the environment for others’ emotions, fearing abandonment, and seeking excessive reassurance to feel secure. The fear of upsetting others, as well as the dynamics of being the youngest and feeling responsible for maintaining harmony in the family, added to an avoidant attachment over time.

Self-esteem becomes intricately intertwined with meeting others’ expectations and desires, typically developing during our teen years. However, persistently building this concept can lead to an overpowering compulsion to control outcomes—sometimes at the expense of personal well-being.

A Personal Breakthrough with Psilocybin

Psychedelic therapy offers unique insights into long-held emotions. The experience gently nurtures a mystical sense, strengthening the focus on original emotional foundations. Revelations often surface days or weeks after administration, bringing unexpected perspectives. This is why ongoing talk therapy proves most beneficial for integrating these spontaneous discoveries.

For instance, during a casual dinner, a change in tone triggered a memory of past lies. I questioned its significance. Later, hidden motives emerged. My brain detects falsehoods faster and more accurately. It feels like a superpower.

Breaking Free from Codependency Chains

Under a violent father’s rule, my siblings and I endured a childhood marked by constant appeasement. Fear and subservience from that era lingered into adulthood, nurturing dependency on each other for validation and decision-making. These are the patterns that codependency stifles in individual autonomy, hindering the pursuit of personal paths. I didn’t realize how much I relied on my siblings for decisions, which hindered my ability to live creatively.

I first recognized the familial codependent pattern during my nursing career, observing its effects on psychiatric patients. The more I listened to the patient’s stories, I couldn’t ignore the parallels. Later, I experienced it firsthand—after my father’s passing when I was 32—which unveiled my family’s true perception of me. 

In his final months, caring for him led to conflicts and revelations that worsened my depression. These were fueled by confusing opinions from those I perceived to know. Realizing my diminished favor in their eyes after my father’s decline, I sought psychiatric help—specifically Xanax—due to a prior dependency. My codependency transitioned from people to medications without a second thought.

Plant Transitions

After a decade of recovery from my father’s loss, I found cannabis to almost completely surpass the effects of Xanax at 0.5mg. Thus, I began managing my depression and anxiety this way. With only a few experiences of psilocybin and regular cannabis use, I believe that’s why I chose to taper off pharmaceuticals.

The defining moment when I realized my brain chemistry had shifted was when I found myself standing on my front lawn, shocked as my abusive ex-partner hurled my clothes and belongings out the front door. Instead of reacting or retrieving my items, I remained frozen, assessing the situation. What triggered this reaction was moments earlier, when I had confronted him about my suspicions of his infidelity.

At this point, my knowledge of psychedelics was limited, although I had taken a few doses earlier that year. I wonder if those experiences gave me the patience to simply stand and watch in amazement as this child-man imploded, reminiscent of my father’s past behavior. I felt no fear, only plain amazement at humanity’s vulnerabilities and how they could affect me for a lifetime.

Golden Teacher mushrooms swiftly unraveled layers of irrational fears instilled by family influence. They kicked in almost like a switch when it was crucial to do so. Later that day, I left him and our home, returning to my mother. It felt somehow balanced yet alarming, as insignificance tinged with vivid anxieties like the first day at a new school. I wasn’t scared, but I was finally alert.

Unraveling Dependencies

After a decade of recovery, during the last four years of which I discovered psilocybin, I’ve finally come to terms with recent events. Despite fleeing from domestic violence, concerns about ongoing internet and grounds harassment lingered, suggesting my abuser’s persistence. I confided in my sister about the abuse and harassment from my ex-partner, expressing my belief that he still sought to control me. Surprisingly, she suggested I suffered from persecutory delusions, delivering this intervention through a casual text message.

As a psychiatric nurse, I understand that only doctors ultimately diagnose after scrutinizing assessments and deliberations. However, the toxic family pattern became evident to me. This denial has persisted in our family for as long as I can remember. I had a flashback to my father confiding in me at dinner about his siblings bullying him, treating me more as a peer than his own child. 

That memory strengthened my resolve. I accepted the stark differences in consciousness and discernment between myself and my upbringing. Essentially, I declined the suggestion and shut off communications.

Analyzing Dependencies

Living under someone’s shadow to appease their moods, as I did with my sister, fostered an unhealthy emotional dependency on her opinions throughout my life. Recognizing this pattern not as a personal failure but as a systemic issue within our family dynamic helps me dissociate my personal infliction of it. Rather than reacting defensively to my sister’s neglectful attitude, it became clear she feared losing control over my actions.

It wasn’t my duty to discern her intent behind her decision to offer an intervention. Prioritizing my safety became necessary, as it was the first time I could see it never was to anyone else. Making decisions to place myself first before the rush of usual sad emotions helped me move forward from that situation. 

If any patient makes a claim, it is the nurse’s duty to continue eliciting more information from the patient to determine their ultimate needs. If I was claiming abuse and harassment, why wouldn’t my loved ones assess more? Why not suggest getting authorities involved? Realizing my sister prioritized my thoughts over acknowledging my feelings marked a significant turning point. Intuitively, I heard a voice urging, ‘What advice would you give yourself, Nurse Natalie?'”

Relinquishing Dependencies

I now grasp that my perceptions, once dismissed as distorted, were actually valid all along. This insight helped me walk away without the need for chaotic defense or closure. The absence of conflict isn’t a void—but a powerful, deafening silence signifying the internal peace I battled and fought for. I just choose peace.

Prioritizing my own needs resulted in a shift in family estrangement. It was the first time they had ever been so silent in my life. It was the hardest decision to make, but one yielding the quickest-peaceful outcome.

This newfound quiet allowed me to progress, focusing on personal aspirations that had been encouraged to be sidelined. Finally, unleashing my writings, once of little interest, now serves as my redemption.

Reflection on Memories Now Changed

Freed from the grip of past judgments and assumptions, I no longer concern myself with correcting others’ views of me. This marks the beginning of breaking away from codependency, whether on someone else or a substance. For the first time in my life, my decisions to eat, plan, join, buy, build, and speak are independent of anyone else’s consciousness.

In the past, I prioritized actions as demonstrations of care. I heavily relied on my family’s opinions as an easy reference guide. Even when choosing a university, I followed my sister’s path of fine arts, though psychology had always been my passion. 

Yet, I remember being warned that pursuing psychology would entail a lifetime of listening to people’s burdens and inevitably lead to depression. I laugh at this deeply ingrained fear. I entered psychology to escape my life’s burdens, only to find it becoming my professional arena—the place where I scientifically dissect the affliction of familial bullying on humanity, coupled with the mystical workings of a new neurology.

My psychedelic journey brought a significant realization: turning to my family, where I never felt secure, wasn’t the correct path to safety. This reveals a truth often invisible to those not from traumatic homes— not all families offer refuge. Finding proper support and safe spaces is crucial when confronting domestic violence.

Discovering Meaning Behind Mystical Visualizations

Recently, I recalled one of my first hallucinations during my initial psychedelic experience in 2020. I saw a Fisher-Price toy from my childhood, a figure with a cowboy hat, rolling on a sphere across my field of view. As it traversed from the dark right side to the lighter left, it unveiled a honeycomb. The figure gestured towards a single cell and remarked, “You are fixated on one cell, but there are countless more!” Suddenly, my entire field of vision was filled with honeycomb cells.

I discovered that honeycombs represent unity and teamwork, and hexagonal structures embody balance and interconnectedness. I have felt deeply grounded since last year’s final dose. It’s as if I’ve consumed a mushroom in all its parameters—metamorphosing a truer independent version of myself that was hidden. I’m ready to experience new cells.

Collaborative Therapies for Future Wellness

Commencing this journey in 2020, I underestimated the profound challenges. Following two years of introspection, dedicated psychotherapy, personal healing, and the realization of self-sufficiency, I’m motivated to share my insights on psilocybin. 

As a former Latin family scapegoat turned psychology enthusiast, facing fears through psychedelics and navigating a spectrum of emotions, I recognize the shared struggles many encounter in life’s complexities.

During my nursing career, I’ve administered antipsychotic medications, advocated for insurance authorizations in psychiatric treatments, and held recovery discussions with schizophrenia patients. Despite valuing these methods, I’ve discovered what seems like a hidden gateway. With this newfound perspective, I’m eager to invite others to explore local clinical trials.

However, in psychedelic research, ensuring treatment authenticity poses challenges, especially with noticeable effects from high doses. Media influence shapes public perceptions also.

Society carries deep-seated traumas inherited from generations past, which demand innovative solutions. By demystifying and destigmatizing alternative treatments—including plant medicines—we can offer renewed hope to those who have found traditional avenues lacking. It truly could be a time to confront the old patterns that continue to confine personal growth and embrace new avenues of healing.

While I appreciate how psilocybin finally revealed the mistreatment I endured, it’s important to note that recognizing codependency dynamics does not require a psychedelic experience. If perceptions don’t change in time, issues can escalate. Simply acknowledging these patterns and deciding to sever toxic family ties can be a significant step toward healing and safety.

References

Recognizing Codependency

Wikipedia contributors. (2024). Codependency. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency/

Amazon. (n.d.). Codependent No More. https://www.amazon.com/s?k=codependent+no+more/

American Trauma Society. (n.d.). Trauma Center Levels Explained. https://www.amtrauma.org/page/TraumaLevels/

Traditional Therapies for Codependency

Wikipedia contributors. (n.d.). Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder/

Wikipedia contributors. (n.d.). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy/

Wikipedia contributors. (n.d.). Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy/

Cleveland Clinic. (2022). The 4 Attachment Styles and How They Impact You. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles/

Simply Psychology. (n.d.). Avoidant Attachment Style: Causes, Signs, Triggers & How To Heal. https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html/

Breaking Free from Codependency Chains

Khalifa, S. A., & Alshailabi, E. M. (2021). Biochemical Investigations of the Effect of Xanax on the Cerebellar Tissues of Male Mice. EPH – International Journal of Applied Science, 7(4), 16–20. https://doi.org/10.53555/eijas.v7i4.42/

Legg, T. J. (2020). What Are Persecutory Delusions? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-persecutory-delusions-4586500/

Voss, R. M., & Das, J. M. (2024). Mental Status Examination. StatPearls – NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK546682/

Cleveland Clinic. (2022). What Is Gaslighting? Signs and How To Respond. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting/

Reflection on Memories Now Changed

About my Brain Institute. (n.d.). Bee | Meaning & Significance. Spirit Animals Oracle Deck. https://www.aboutmybrain.com/cards/spirit-animals-oracle-deck/bee/

Collaborative Therapies for Future Wellness

ClinicalTrials.gov. (n.d.). Search for Psilocybin Studies. https://clinicaltrials.gov/search?intr=Psilocybin/

Stauffer, C. S., Phan, K. L., & Goff, D. C. (2022). Great Expectations: Recommendations for Improving the Methodological Rigor of Psychedelic Clinical Trials. Psychopharmacology, 239(12), 3561-3571. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00213-022-06123-7/